Beautiful, beautiful bicarb....

WE'VE changed the chemistry in the bathroom.

We’re now using tooth cleaner that’s a mixture of sodium chloride and sodium hydrogen carbonate… sea salt and baking soda, mostly baking soda. It has the fresh, clean tang of the ocean to it… a taste I especially enjoy.

The toothpaste thing got really complicated.

Looking at the shelves in the store, I’d start to glaze over: there’s stuff to “whiten your teeth” …as opposed to? Miracles in a tube promise variously to “strengthen your teeth”, “remove plaque”, “fight” tartar, “sweeten your breath”, “cure gingivitis”… “fight” cavities… fight cavities? Now there’s a thing.

How do you FIGHT a CAVITY: a cavity is a hole. Fight the doughnut? Maybe. But the hole? What does this toothpaste do to the hole? Does it lay siege to it somehow? What if, like the last dentist I had, it concludes: “to hell, let’s take the whole damn tooth out”… but, wait! There on the shelf lies another intriguing promise: “cavity PROTECTION”. It protects cavities? From the cavity-fighting brand?

And to board the “other bus” Colgate, for one, has even put out a bicarb and peroxide paste in a tube so it “looks like” toothpaste. They call it “Sparkling White”. Go ahead… they need your money too.

Is this all confusing, or is it just marketed by confused people? Toothpaste IS confusing. The flavours are incredible for the tongue-tying variations on the word “mint”: there’s “mint”, “regular mint”, “fresh mint”, “kiss me mint”, “ice mint”, “cool mint”, “citrus clean mint”, “intense fresh”, “peppermint”, “spearmint”… then, at the bottom of the cliff, there’s “bubble gum”, “strawberry” and “watermelon” flavoured gels for kids — and, leaving “mint” for dead, even a “Spongebob Squarepants” variety. I’ve heard of, but never experienced flavours like lavender, tea, vanilla, citrus, pine, cinnamon, fennel and peanut butter. I’ve gone through drugstore shelves across Canada and continue to wonder why there’s no “premier grand cru Bordeaux” toothpaste? If you want toothpaste to taste good, why not be a little more ambitious about it?

Then there are toothpastes for “sensitive teeth” — sensitive teeth? Teeth tear, rip and reduce flesh and plant matter to a pulp, for heaven’s sake… and they get all precious and “sensitive” about toothpaste? There is “refreshing” toothpaste… how does that work? Where do you put it?

Oh, and you can get “fluoride-free” toothpaste and “menthol-free” which seems a bit like selling “white” milk on the basis of its being “chocolate-FREE!”. Or you can get fluoride-added toothpaste — and menthol-added toothpaste.

The Canadian Dental Association “recognises” more than 40 varieties of toothpaste (including Colgate’s bicarb and peroxide in a tube).

So, what’s in toothpaste?

Well, having researched this, I can tell you that as much as 40 per cent of most toothpaste is hydrogen dioxide (water) — the stuff that gushes from your tap — and rest is mostly abrasive, insoluble grit — fine sand, essentially — that’s there to grind away the scum, but it rips away a bit of enamel with it. This surface damage is called “polishing”. Some toothpastes use glitter — white mica — for extra dazzle.

The other ingredients are cautiously added by parts per million: a soupçon of some sort of fluoride salt — to toughen the teeth — and hint of detergent to help break up the scum… a bit like the stuff they use in greater quantities on oil spills. And there are tiny pinches substances that produce some credibility-enhancing foam. The same sort of stuff goes into shampoos.

Then there’s Triclosan: an organic toxin that slaughters bacteria by taking away the enzyme they need to make fatty acids. Of course you do know that alcohol takes care of bacteria pretty effectively? And that the tiny little bacteria that teem all over your skin, in your every orifice, in your digestive tract… your microscopic, lifelong personal companions… they outnumber your body cells by a ratio of about 10:1 and are, for the most part, benign. Yet you want to provoke these little creatures by using Triclosan-laced toothpaste?

Then there are flavourings and colorants intended to present toothpaste as a tempting confectionary item. And the colours: blue, white, pink and white striped, pale green… which reminded me of “caries fighting” toothpaste and those good old days when Levers put chlorophyll in toothpaste as though my teeth might be encouraged to photosynthesise.

They used to advertise “sodium lauryl sulphate” until they found out that, though not quite a carcinogen, CH3(CH2)10CH2(OCH2CH2)nOSO3Na tends to peel the skin off some people so it probably isn’t very good for you: a bit like bleaching your hair with lye.

I’ve even seen pet toothpaste (as in toothpaste for pets) and a terrifying warning that 80% of dogs and 60% of cats have gingivitis, peridontitis or tooth decay — side-effects I guess of all those pet foods manufactured from grain by-products and abattoir waste.

And I asked myself a question: WHY do I want to buy toothpaste… for me? And why would airlines ban it from carry-on luggage? I know what they say… but what’s the REAL reason.

Besides, Ben Franklin, I believe, used honey and charcoal as toothpaste.

And my mother happily used and got the superfluous added value from baking soda that it’s hypoallergenic (my mother had no allergies).

The rest of the story? Well, baking soda — alias “bicarb”, NaHCO_3, sodium bicarbonate, etc — is a fine, crystalline powder. It doesn’t smell, it’s slightly alkaline but relatively non-toxic. It doesn’t burn or explode and only sparingly dissolves in water. It sounds safe on aircraft.

Besides, it’s already in our bodies: in our bile, it’s what stops the hydrochloric acid in our stomachs from burning holes through our bellies.

Ancient Egyptians mined it in a form called “natron” to use as a cleaning compound. And, over thousands of years, it’s proved itself in so many ways… as a water softener – great for washing machines and for washing dishes; it’ll deodorise and freshen shoes, carpets, cupboards, rubbish bins, and things like kitchen sponges and shower curtains. Even your pets. Oil and grease stains wash out better with baking soda in the wash water.

It will put out fires, help polish iron and stainless steel and clean marble or formica — it even works as a silver polish — and it leavens dough. Mix it with sugar and it will see off cockroaches and silverfish. As well as cleaning your teeth, it is a good antacid and, added to bath water, it helps to relieve sunburn and eczema. It even takes tea and coffee stains off pots, mugs and cups. It works as a facial scrub and body exfoliant
… and you can pat baking soda onto your underarms as a deodorant. Made into a paste with water it will soothe insect bites, clean ovens and floors, and stand in as a handwash or hair cleanser A cup of baking soda a week down the drain will help keep a septic tank in good working order.

As well as helping to wash cars, inside and out, it will neutralize battery acid corrosion. Just be sure to disconnect the battery terminals before your attack it with your baking soda and water. A wipe with baking soda on a dampened cloth helps repel rain from the windshield.

And, if you happen to be plucking chickens, baking soda added to the boiling water will help loosen the feathers.

Try doing that with a tube of toothpaste!